I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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