First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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