Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
