I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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