im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
