i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
