The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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