I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
