thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
