My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
