Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
