I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
