I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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