I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
