my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I smell like Dick and happiness
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
