How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Randomize
