So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
