it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
