I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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