She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
