I faked an abortion last night.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
