I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
