I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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