captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
