the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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