I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
