They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
