Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
