Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
