Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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