we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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