Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
