its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
