Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize