Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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