the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
