he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
