He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
They are going to name an STD after you.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
