Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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