Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
