So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
