The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
