i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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