I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize