you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Pants are for mortals
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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