Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
