i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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