Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize