If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
