You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
