I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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