If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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