We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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