I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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