I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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