the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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