one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I am spending my child support on dildos
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize