I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
