You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
