Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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