and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
