We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
